Senior Matters: Feeling your age?

In the past week five people in my life have independently spoken about suddenly becoming aware of aging — and not being happy about it. This seems to be a signal that it is time to write about it.

Although each of these people is a different age ranging from 60-93, they only now are at a time in their lives where they are becoming aware in a new and very poignant and personal way of aging.

We often hear people joking about getting old, especially when they turn 50 and get black balloons or cards referencing being “over the hill.” We know we will get old some day and the common image of aging is dark and to be avoided. But most of us live lives of blessed oblivion about the meaning of this until reality smacks us in the face.

But this moment where we meet the future we all dread, although different for each of us, is a marker of life, a watershed moment. Why is it that some people have this “Aha! moment” at 60 while others don’t experience it until they are in their 90s? After all, grey hair and wrinkles often start much earlier. The outward, visible signs of aging occur often while we still feel pretty young in spirit. Yet many people remain vibrant, engaged and “young at heart” well past the time the body has bid farewell to youth.

The common thread for the people I encountered this week was a sudden awareness that the body and mind are not working without paying attention to them and that some of the physical problems are not just annoyances any more. For some of them, chronic pain is part of the mix, and for others some loss of mental sharpness is a concern. But the most important thing for all of them is that this new awareness is related to having to change behavior and stop doing some of the things they love to do because it is now too hard or too risky.

Perhaps it is time to stop downhill skiing, or climbing ladders, or living alone, or driving? Or perhaps you now need someone to help with finances or are thinking about what is in your will? Or perhaps your trips are now more like group tours rather than independently scooting around on a motorbike.

Getting older is a normal part of life. Most of us will be lucky enough to experience it. But we should prepare for it and for the emotional swings that go with it. The awareness of aging often thrusts people into a state of sudden grief about losing the freedoms of younger years. Some people experience sudden fear for the future. Some people become depressed. Some people grasp even more at life by rapidly going down the bucket list before time runs out and develop hyperactivity and sleep problems. However, planning for the eventual reality may help to make it more just a natural stage of life than a dreaded event.

Occasionally, I meet older people who are content, and even happy about their new-found seniority which allows them to sleep when they want, do what they like and prove themselves to no one.

These people do not age with dread but have a remarkable acceptance of the natural course of things and are generally seen by people around them as graceful and wise. What they do is adapt their expectations of life in parallel with the requirements of aging. As their bodies begin to weaken, they look for ways to express themselves in life differently. Perhaps they take up painting or writing poetry. Perhaps they do scrapbooking or spend time seeking out movies at Center Theatre. Instead of skiing they do gentle yoga, swimming or walking with friends. One thing they usually do not do, however, is stop doing anything.

My oldest patients are those that have remained active and engaged throughout their lives and especially in their later years. Many of them are now living in their 100s.

So, I am intending, as I approach my inevitable future to plan for it with eager curiosity. I am thinking about things I can/could do, what I have missed in the first two-thirds of my life and what makes me happy and why. I am considering how I will remain engaged, fit and useful to my society. I urge everyone to begin to have conversations about this and to share great ideas.

Also, become involved in making our community supportive of healthy and vibrant aging by lending your ideas on how to do this to the Maine Highlands Senior Center as we move forward in creating a concept for thriving in place.

We invite readers to offer feedback about this column and to suggest topics for future articles. You may do so by contacting Meg Callaway of the Charlotte White Center at (207) 947-1410 or meg.callaway@charlottewhite.org or Lesley Fernow at (207) 992-6822 and  lmfernow@rcn.com.