Down the Road a Piece: Hospital fun

By Milt Gross

For those of you who don’t know — and you who do (great poetry), I’ve just gotten home from the hospital where I had a hip replaced and a relaxing time letting everyone else take care of me.

I was only in the hospital once before, basically a day or two so “they” could stretch me out to stop a disc from hurting me. I was home quickly.

This time it was three weeks after a surgeon replaced a hip. Another doctor thought my heart (“hat” in Maine) was bad, but I told him it was fine. After a few days, he agreed.

But I spent three weeks in ye olde hospital. No pain at all. I could look out the window in daytime and watch workmen replacing roof shingles. Or I could watch pretty dumb daytime TV. Or I could irritate the nurses with my care. They were a good bunch.

Daytime TV is great as long as you don’t watch it.

Of course, at 5:15 a.m. the first nurse showed up to take a blood sample. A great way to wake up from what became as the days passed a sound sleep. Then two or three more appeared to listen to my heart, take “vital” signs to see if I were still alive, and several other unpleasant-for-me activities. Finally I got back to sleep at about 6:30 after the poking and prodding. Up at 7:45 into a chair for breakfast.

After breakfast I sat in the chair, because the nurses were always busy helping the sick — I wasn’t sick, no pain, no suffering except at 5:15 a.m.

The service was great, except they made me and my hip-side leg take a walk about 300 feet each morning  — using a walker. One nurse made me do exercises in bed — hey, I was trying to relax. One nurse had a great sarcastic sense of humor, which improved my day.

The first couple of nights I got little sleep due to other patients’ crying out for help, which they received. One night someone was running around the hallway with all the nurses trying to catch him or her. Another night someone snored right outside my room. Other than that it was okay.

Do you want to hear about my operation. No, too bad. But actually I was out cold so I didn’t know about it ‘til I awoke. Not then, nor ever, did I feel any pain.

Generally the Belfast hospital treated me well. I had no complaints. If you have to be in a hospital, choose the Belfast one.

Two of my daughters and a son phoned me, which kept me entertained.

But I am really happy today. I just got home a couple of hours ago and am tapping away on Mr. Mac. Either there were no emails during my time away that needed an immediate answer, or Dolores did them in so I wouldn’t have to bother.

I’ll never know which. And I don’t care. I’m home!

Milt Gross can be reached for corrections, harassment, or other purposes at lesstraveledway@roadrunner.com.