The importance of ‘connectedness’
The previous two articles in this column have outlined the importance of safety, security and good health in enabling a person to “Thrive in Place.” This week I will discuss the importance of the support of family and community and the concept of “connectedness.”
We live in Maine, where family ties have traditionally been strong. Modern reality, however, is that many younger people have moved away for jobs, careers or just because of the draw of “the big world” and many do not return. I have certainly encouraged my children to move out and explore, and I do not expect them to come home often.
Furthermore, some people, by choice or circumstance do not have children or any family. Yet as we age it is common for us to begin to look to our network of friends or family increasingly for support. At first this may involve just wanting to spend more time talking or visiting with those closest to us, sharing memories and feeling comfort in common experiences. Later it may include needing help to recover from an illness, with transportation or shopping or occasional meal preparation.
Mainers are independent and don’t like to ask for help. I have known countless people who need support of friends or family but are “too proud” to ask for it. Even when it is offered, the experience of some helping individuals or agencies is that such support is often turned down by people in need. They “don’t want to be pitied,” they say. Or “I have always taken care of myself and I am not going to stop now.” While such strength is a good survival trait when one is young and vigorous, it is a trait in aging that can lead to unnecessary decline in health, loss of quality of life and loneliness.
The reality is that the natural process of growing older leads to need for support. Furthermore, far from being a burden, the truth is that helping a family member or friend or neighbor is often as valuable to the person giving the help as to the one receiving it. It is hard to see a neighbor in need and not offer to help or to be refused because our natural humanity leads us to seek connection with people and helping people to have a decent life is a great way to have a connection.
We have probably all known a very old person who aged “gracefully” and whom we remember as having “done it the right way.” In most cases such people have graciously accepted the help of others while continuing to share their company, wisdom, cups of tea, and acceptance of the aging process. They remain as independent as they can be, but know where they need to ask for help. So they might ask the local kid on the block to get their paper in the morning or mow the lawn, rely on a family member to help with shopping. In return they have shared photos or flowers from the garden, baked cookies, or given away unused tools.
Maine Highlands Senior Center and the Thriving in Place project are hoping to create conversation in our community around how to make this very normal process of life — getting older — more connected and satisfying. One way is to create a community culture of giving and accepting help in many small ways throughout one’s life, and emphasizing the importance of connectedness within the community. This benefits everyone young and old. We are actively looking for people willing to volunteer in any capacity to help improve lives.
We invite readers to offer feedback about this column and to suggest topics for future articles. You may do so by contacting Meg Callaway of the Charlotte White Center at (207) 947-1410 or meg.callaway@charlottewhite.org or Dr. Lesley Fernow at (207) 992-6822 and lmfernow@rcn.com.