Do not discard

By Mike Lange
Staff Writer

    The envelope was about a quarter-inch thick.
    On the front was the message, “Do not discard!”
    On the back was the warning that the envelope was to be “opened by addressee only.”
    So after considering both admonitions, I tossed it into the trash can at the post office.

    I would have added it to the recycling bin, except it was a window envelope. You’re supposed to just discard those since they screw up the recycling system.
    A few years ago, I thought that junk mail was going to become obsolete.
    After all, why should companies spend millions of dollars sending you “can’t-miss” offers through the mail when they can spam you via e-mail?
    Now it appears they’re doing both.
    Of course, when it comes to unsolicited mail and Internet offers, we’re our own worst enemy.
    Every organization we belong to, every credit card we use and every company we’ve bought merchandise from has our personal contact information.
    Mailing lists by the thousands are routinely sold every year.
    You can take those privacy statements that come with your bills and use them for birdcage liners. There are more holes in the law than a block of Swiss cheese.
    Being a senior citizen, I get a lot of life insurance offers. I already have a policy that covers me adequately. But I hope I have several productive years left before my remains are scooped into an urn.
    Lately, I’ve been getting offers to subscribe to expensive magazines that specialize in analyzing world affairs, Wall Street, consumer trends, etc.
    I hate to burst their bubble, but I only read magazines in three places: doctor’s offices, the barbershop and on an airplane. I only visit my doctor twice a year and my barber every six weeks. I haven’t been on a plane trip since last May.
    I belong to a lot of organizations, and that sets me up for another round of targeted and unwanted mail. I have enough address labels to last me until 2018.
    I’m not crazy about paying $10 for a dozen greeting cards of marginal quality. And I have a bottom dresser drawer stuffed with seldom-used T-shirts.
    Supposedly, there’s a legal way you can opt out of junk mail but I’ve never tried it.
    I have returned things to the sender with a snotty note, advising them to save money because I wasn’t going to buy anything. So far, it hasn’t worked.
    My Internet spam filter works pretty well, but online advertisers are pretty astute.
    Last week, I was comparing prices on a pair of New Balance sneakers that caught my eye. For a solid week, a picture of those sneakers popped up on a dozen or more websites including my Facebook page. I still haven’t bought them.
    So I guess that junk mail isn’t going away any time soon. The U.S. Postal Service isn’t complaining because it’s a source of revenue. And the Internet is reaching more people today than any other media.
    But if you want a guarantee that I won’t read your mail, just mark it “Do not discard.”
    “Limited offer” and “Dated material – do not delay” also work pretty well.
Mike Lange is a staff writer with the Piscataquis Observer. His opinions are his own and don’t necessarily reflect those of this newspaper.